In the beginning...

The "Internet" is a virtual space in which malcontents with severe social inadequacies go to spew their self-important dribble. In doing so they feel connected to something much larger than themselves without losing their own imagined sense of individuality. It started out as an academic experiment in Al Gore's secret laboratory and then quickly morphed into the most important breakthrough in pornography since the cave paintings at Lascaux. Soon after, a cadre of ambitious entrepreneurs decided that the "Internet" would be the future of business and make them all ridiculously wealthy. When that failed, the web became as we know it today, the most culturally acceptable form of piracy (and porn). Web 2.0 has come to symbolize the merging of billions onto a shared platform where opinions form the basis of reality, even as the world around your wifi hotspot crumbles into ruin.

But where did all these cynical and self perpetuating truisms exist before there was a myspace or a youtube to proclaim them to the world, you ask? Well that is simple. I am The Original Internet. I am an endless bounty of negative criticisms and baseless accusations, none of which contain any semblance of practical value. My logic is as indecipherable as my analogies are incoherent. I have an easy time rambling on about the discrepancies between comic book characters and their motion picture doppelgangers, but no knowledge of who or what runs my local government. My entire concept of reality is based on "that thing I read," or "I saw it on a TV show." In short, I am all opinions and no solutions.

I am The Original Internet, and I will now take your questions.